The day the dream died

Before I go on a melancholy bender, I would like to note that I have gotten my first blog follower: The One! Thank you very much!

Alright, this is a continuation of my blog on tuesday, "A Combination of Depression and Elation." I was hoping to let that one stand for a while but sadly, something came up, something that was much more depression than it was elation.

As some of you may know, about two weeks ago, I went on the University of Evansville road trip, which allows you to spend a weekend on the campus, get to know students, attend mock classes and activities, and so forth. I met up with a couple of people who I had met on Ace's Place: Nick and Sarah. Over the course of the weekend, we sang, we ran lines, we saw a show, we partied with other theatre folk at the frat house, and it all concluded in a Breakfast Club like scene in which I was Anthony Michael Hall, Sarah was Molly Ringwald, Quinn, who I meet in the last hours of the road trip, was our Judd Nelson, and Nick, who was not present at the time, was our Emilio Estevez, we did not have an Ally Sheedy though. I met two awesome guys, Jon and Sammy, who were my hosts. They were extremely nice and gave me a great insight into the program and the department. The show Light Up the Sky was fantastic and really proved that this was a great theatre department.

My audition came, I thought I did well, I thought I delivered my pieces well, I thought I had shown my love and drive for theatre, and dropped names of the Evansville grads I got to work with you I loved working with. I knew going in that any audition is a shot in the dark, but I thought I could shine in the interview and really showcase who I was.

Yesterday was shaping up to be a good day, easy classes, fun rehearsals, then I got a text from Sarah, she had gotten her letter from Evansville, she was wait-listed. I knew my letter probably would have come as well, which fueled the speculation in my mind. I was prepping myself for a fall, one which I knew would probably hurt a lot as Evansville had become my dream school and my top choice. I got home, found the letter on the stairwell post and opened. It wasn't an acceptance, it wasn't a wait-listing, it was a sheer and flat out rejection. I fell, I knew I was going to fall, and it still hurt like all hell. I had taken a shot in the dark and I think the bullet might have hit me.

I got to rehearsal for Comic Potential in a mood that was a mixture of depression and anger. Fellow castmate and blogger, Beefy Muchacho, realized my mood and consoled me. Beefy Muchacho had gone through the process about twelve years ago; he had been accepted to Evansville and went to Wright State. He was cut in his freshman year due to his issues on how to exactly cast him as his vocal range and his look heavily contrasted. He had a fall like I did, excepted his was higher and he didn't see it coming. He explained how lucky the people who get in are, that it comes down to luck but also it comes down to who they can cast and as he put jokingly, "There isn't much for the pasty ginger kid." I think my talk with him really helped.

I took today off from school, not only because I was sick, but also I think I needed to process this rejection from what had become my dream school. I realized that my hopes of getting to work with Sarah, Nick, Sammy, and Jon were kaput. I woke up from one of the best dreams I had ever had and realized just how much reality sucks in comparison with that dream.

Evansville was my dream school, my mentor and teacher, Jeremy Dubin, is an Evansville alumni and I hope to one day be as talented with him. If I am truly his student it won't be whether or not I go to his alma mater but whether I follow his philosophy; the words that are painted on the wall of the Cincinnati Shakespeare Company, attributed to Samuel Beckett: No Matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better. No matter where I go in terms of acting, my career will be filled with rejection, and I will find myself in this type of situation yet again but I think I'm slowly learning how to cope with the pain of it. Evansville is a great school and I wish the incoming class of theatre majors all the best. My path, it appears, either goes to Wright State or Northern Kentucky University. A path closer to home but it may still take me where I hope to go. I just know that no matter how many times I fall along this path, and I will fall plenty of times, that I need to keep the words of Samuel Beckett with me:
No Matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better.

Well sorry if I depressed you any but I needed to vent. Have a pleasant day, go see Comic Potential!